your room smells of hookers.
And success
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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