i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
