After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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