Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
