There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
