Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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