Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
