i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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