I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
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