I faked an abortion last night.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
