Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
