My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
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At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
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You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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