So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
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mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
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You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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