actually, I'm a sock model
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
