Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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