The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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