hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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