I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
