woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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