The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
