she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
