I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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