the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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