I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'