Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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