Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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