Don't make out with my wife yet
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
