I just cut my nipple shaving
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
