Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
