Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
