i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
