Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
