If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Randomize
