I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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