i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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