I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Randomize
