He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
