My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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