dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
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Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
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He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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