My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
