Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
so let's talk penis.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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