My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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