Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
this is an emotional support booty call
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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