this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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