She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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