I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
