Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
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