Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
