The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
