i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
