I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
