The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
