Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
